Ordinary or Extraordinary.. MY CHOICE!

Well I better introduce myself and give people an idea of the things in my life that make me ME.

I was an abused child, sexually, emotionally and also lived a life of forced poverty (my parents were comfortable financially but having survived a war, them growing up in an occupied nation, created a need for them to hoard money, meaning I never knew what deodorant, tooth paste, tooth brushes or even fresh bread were 😦  )  I was forced to beg for school funding for school uniforms and never even owned textas (even cheap ones) until I was 16 and had my own money from austudy.

I was always strived at school, teachers saw that I wanted and loved to learn, they pushed me and tried to pick me up, other students saw a child that didn’t fit, was weird, poor, and felt the need to bully me, and even threatened to kill me.

I would go home to a mother who said “why are you bothering with school and grades, you will just be a wife and mother, that is all life is”

My mother and I were not close, we had no connection, I felt that I was never SEEN (she never once asked me what I wanted to do, be, or what excited me, she never took the time to know who I was) We grew up without the words I LOVE YOU,  up until a few years ago (I was 35) I never remember being hugged by my mother.

Recently I got an email from a brother (who was one who abused me) and my mother saying “the world would be a better place if I just went and hung myself” I thought I was ok, tried to move on. But it HURT. (It is a long story but really I had tried to stop my brother scamming yet another person, I am not like them, money is not worth that much to me that I would hurt people, lie or steal to get it)

I have spent about 2 months now, hurting, dwelling on it… I have spent the last 4 years trying to build a relationship with my mother, trying to work out how to get her to SEE me for who I was and be proud of me.  I visited her every mothers day, birthday, easter, Christmas, gave her gifts and spent the day with her. Ever year I came home feeling frustrated as no matter what… I could never feel I mattered to her.

Today thinking In the car driving (had a long drive ahead of me alone) I was wondering why do I seek my mothers acceptance, is it because its expected by society. Then why do I feel I need that? I have tried and each time keep ending up feeling like I am not good enough for even my own mother to care about me. Then … go hang myself?

I know in my heart it hasn’t got to do with me, I am good enough, I am amazing, I came through that childhood, I became an honest person (being taught to shop lift, jump in bins and beg for things) which in itself is AMAZING! I have a family, it just doesn’t include my mother or those siblings. My family is my incredible hubby who picked me up and gave me a life. My children, 2 wonderful girls who love me and tell me I am beautiful and loved  :’)

I don’t need to find my mothers acceptance, I need to move on and let her go.. FOREVER.

 

I then started thinking of my oldest daughter, 16, In a conversation with her a couple nights ago, I remember saying “I don’t want your life to be ordinary, like mine, I want your life to be extraordinary!”

 

driving thinking…. why do I settle for ordinary? It is not too late to make my life extraordinary too! who am I .. and what excites me..

 

Its time.. .my ORDINARY life is coming to an end.

From now on, My life is going to be extraordinary, and I am going to be who I want to be.

Who is that?

Someone who loves a challenge

Someone who loves being fit and healthy and joining in

Someone who tries things that others say are too hard!

This is me..

WATCH THIS SPACE

 

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One thought on “Ordinary or Extraordinary.. MY CHOICE!

  1. I am not even going to try and comment on what you have been through in life or what you are dealing with in relation to the issues surrounding your family, I am not a psychologist, What I will say is that you are far from ordinary, nor has what you have done and achieved been ordinary. You do realise that you were on stage out of 20,000 people a few rounds back in Brisbane? This alone is extraordinary. No one else did that work. No one else turned their life around. No one else made you change the old you in a conscious moment into the new you. This was all you!!!! No ordinary person does that. The example you have set and continue to set to your daughters is also far from ordinary. They see someone that is doing amazing thigns and will want to aspire to be just like their mum and why wouldn’t they want to be. She is an extraordinary lady, doing extraordinary things.

    Yes set yourself more challenges, make your life even more extraordinary and continue to raise the bar, but don’t ever consider yourself or your life or achievements as ordinary.

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