Well I better introduce myself and give people an idea of the things in my life that make me ME.
I was an abused child, sexually, emotionally and also lived a life of forced poverty (my parents were comfortable financially but having survived a war, them growing up in an occupied nation, created a need for them to hoard money, meaning I never knew what deodorant, tooth paste, tooth brushes or even fresh bread were 😦 ) I was forced to beg for school funding for school uniforms and never even owned textas (even cheap ones) until I was 16 and had my own money from austudy.
I was always strived at school, teachers saw that I wanted and loved to learn, they pushed me and tried to pick me up, other students saw a child that didn’t fit, was weird, poor, and felt the need to bully me, and even threatened to kill me.
I would go home to a mother who said “why are you bothering with school and grades, you will just be a wife and mother, that is all life is”
My mother and I were not close, we had no connection, I felt that I was never SEEN (she never once asked me what I wanted to do, be, or what excited me, she never took the time to know who I was) We grew up without the words I LOVE YOU, up until a few years ago (I was 35) I never remember being hugged by my mother.
Recently I got an email from a brother (who was one who abused me) and my mother saying “the world would be a better place if I just went and hung myself” I thought I was ok, tried to move on. But it HURT. (It is a long story but really I had tried to stop my brother scamming yet another person, I am not like them, money is not worth that much to me that I would hurt people, lie or steal to get it)
I have spent about 2 months now, hurting, dwelling on it… I have spent the last 4 years trying to build a relationship with my mother, trying to work out how to get her to SEE me for who I was and be proud of me. I visited her every mothers day, birthday, easter, Christmas, gave her gifts and spent the day with her. Ever year I came home feeling frustrated as no matter what… I could never feel I mattered to her.
Today thinking In the car driving (had a long drive ahead of me alone) I was wondering why do I seek my mothers acceptance, is it because its expected by society. Then why do I feel I need that? I have tried and each time keep ending up feeling like I am not good enough for even my own mother to care about me. Then … go hang myself?
I know in my heart it hasn’t got to do with me, I am good enough, I am amazing, I came through that childhood, I became an honest person (being taught to shop lift, jump in bins and beg for things) which in itself is AMAZING! I have a family, it just doesn’t include my mother or those siblings. My family is my incredible hubby who picked me up and gave me a life. My children, 2 wonderful girls who love me and tell me I am beautiful and loved :’)
I don’t need to find my mothers acceptance, I need to move on and let her go.. FOREVER.
I then started thinking of my oldest daughter, 16, In a conversation with her a couple nights ago, I remember saying “I don’t want your life to be ordinary, like mine, I want your life to be extraordinary!”
driving thinking…. why do I settle for ordinary? It is not too late to make my life extraordinary too! who am I .. and what excites me..
Its time.. .my ORDINARY life is coming to an end.
From now on, My life is going to be extraordinary, and I am going to be who I want to be.
Who is that?
Someone who loves a challenge
Someone who loves being fit and healthy and joining in
Someone who tries things that others say are too hard!
This is me..
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